4th of February 2015

Please note: I collected these stories, they are not mine. Keep that in mind when reading and commenting :)

We are walking down the mountain, after a day of climbing. You are joking, teasing, irritating, just being you. And I do not mind. Do you know that point in your life when you have been hurt so many times, that when it happens again, it doesn't actually hurt anymore? That you can say, yeah it's what I am used to? Pain becomes normal. And when you jokingly say, well maybe it is because I am a asshole, I finally speak up. Maybe because the pain became enough, so enough that I am finally not scared anymore, not scared of the pain of losing you. How could I, when every minute with you is pain? Or maybe because I got blank, empty, and stopped thinking. Thinking about how I need to be, to not make you angry. Still, Docile, Obedient. So I speak up. "yes, you are an asshole".

You make a dead stop. You look at me in wonder. "then why do you sleep with me? " Because you are you, because I am an addict to the pain, because I love you, I am a junkie, without you there is more pain than with you? But all I can say is "well, because my father was an asshole too, and you know, I am fucked up that way" Pissed of that I did not immediately retract my statement, that I did not try and make it a joke you start walking again. "well, maybe I am not healthy for you." And somehow, somehow I keep doing this, keep this conversation going. Somehow, brutally honest, the answers keep spilling out. "Yes, you are not healthy for me".

"Then maybe we should stop this". "Yes, maybe we should".

And that is it. We are over. Again. How many times can you break up with somebody you don't have a relationship with? Many times. Angrily you stomp down the mountain. Silently I follow you. Even now we are over, I still follow you. Still behave, still be silent, don't want to push you. Already want to take back my harsh words. Tell you that I wasn't thinking, that it is okay. But when I have been finally honest, when I finally stood up, and told you how I felt, and that you are unhealthy, I should stay strong now.

Hours later we are in our tent. Fighting. First silently, then harder. We talk and we talk and we talk. Until I am in your arms again, and you whisper: "we shouldn't be doing this, I am not good for you" I tell you that we should. "but I do not want to take advantage of you" A lie. We both know it. Please do, please use me, abuse me, it is after all what I am used to, what I can handle. I lie "it wouldn't be taking advantage". So you do, you use me, again. I let you again.

I started with a new special series: Weeks of Secrets and Memories. A while back I asked you stories, and I publish these stories now with a Notes to Ginny twist. 
These first two weeks were about secrets you kept close and never revealed. There are wonderful stories of wonderful people who wanted to get the truth out! This week will be a collection of memories (some good, some bad) people send me. 

I hope you like this series!

Lots of love,
Ginny.